The (mis)Adventures of Captain Self-Destructo!
by Lindsay Duff
I will admit I have not always been the easiest person to live with. As a matter-o-fact, there are times I have been a down right terror. Up until a few years ago, I never really sat and thought about why I was doing some of the things I felt I MUST do. “This is me – I’m angry and I’m going to yell and stomp and I don’t care what you think.” I’d never realized that everything I was doing with myself was all out of habit, and it wasn’t a true reflection of who I wanted to be. Habits can be changed.
When I was angry, I turned into my not-so-super hero alter ego “Captain Self Destructo!! Out to destroy the world!!! Muahahaha!!” That was ME and ya can’t fix me! This was how I was supposed to be…a rude, insecure (although you would have NEVER heard me admit I was insecure), obnoxious bitch. This is who I’ve ALWAYS been and it is who I will always be.
I began to grow tired of always regretting my bitchy outbursts and my sharp tongue, but I didn’t believe I could change anything. Looking back, I had a lot of people in my life, but I didn’t feel loved. I was wrapped up in the idea that I was a bad person and I did not deserve love. So, I figured, why give love to anyone else? That attitude only served to increase how badly I thought of myself, and how poorly I treated those around me. I made it a habit to push people away so they didn’t have to deal with my craziness.
Whether we want to admit it or not, we have ALL been that toddler (or teenager… or 20 something) that had the complete meltdown in the middle of God and everyone that left our parents wondering how we’d ever make it to adulthood. While this behavior is expected of children, once we reach a certain age, we become aware of the consequences. We begin to create opinions about ourselves based on how we feel ABOUT the meltdown. Some people are lucky enough to reach that point of awareness at a young age, some of us don’t get there until our 30′s (ahem) and some may never make it there.
One day I opened my eyes and the realization hit me. This was not who I was born to be. I really could choose to be whoever I wanted, and I was making a pretty damn poor choice. Understanding that it was a choice and that I was choosing poorly sent me down a whole new path of thought.
Once I realized I could pick my reaction and that I had control, I began to do a few things that really changed the way I viewed my life and sped me toward becoming a ME that I liked. I began to break the chains of regret and make better choices for myself. If I wanted to, I could wear a cape and work to save the world instead of destroy it.
- I became more aware of my own emotions. I could see when I was on the verge of a Lindsay Hate Fest and Captain Self Destructo was taking over. I became aware that when I was down on myself, I was down on everyone around me. I make myself take a step back and take a moment to think about my thoughts and words before they turn into any kind of action. How is this going to help the situation and do I really mean what I’m thinking at the moment? I now take my time to think through what I’m going to say and make sure my words are only spoken if they can be helpful to any situation….or if they’re really funny, because I find myself HILARIOUS!! (True story)
- I quit blaming other people and things for my immense lack of happiness. Truth is, I didn’t really “blame” myself either. I just knew it was time to step up and take responsibility for my own joy. Blaming others wouldn’t let me start heading in the right direction.
- I learned to forgive. Not only others but I learned to forgive myself. Holy CRAP!!! People aren’t perfect?? This is so new and so AWESOME to find out! It is ok to make mistakes and I’m going to love me and you through every one of them. The most rewarding and humbling experience you can ever have is to forgive. It is a complete game changer. It allows me to make mistakes, genuinely say I’m sorry, and to make much needed corrections in my life.
- I realized there was a purpose for every thing that happened in my life. I am who I have become because of my strength and ability to overcome any situation. Now, when something is happening that I don’t agree with or can’t understand, I take the time to find its purpose in my life. I ask myself what is this giving me that I can grow with? I may not always like it and it can take a few days for me to be ok with it, but I always find a place of “okay.” I’ve never been a fan of saying that everything happens for a reason, but knowing that everything has its purpose is very comforting and makes the idea of going through any situation absolutely doable.
As I’ve said before, I started this whole thing because I want to help others… Truth be told, I wanted to help myself too. Once I become the best possible ME, I can turn it out to the rest of the world. The steps I’ve taken have not always been easy or right.. But hey….they have gotten me where I am today and I really like who I am now. The only way to truly fix something is to study it, expose it, know how to either use it for a benefit and be rid of it when it is no longer necessary. Cures for any disease are found the exact same way and my emotions no longer make me sick. THEY HEAL ME!