The (mis)Adventures of Captain Self-Destructo!
by Lindsay Duff
I will admit I have not always been the easiest person to live with. As a matter-o-fact, there are times I have been a down right terror. Up until a few years ago, I never really sat and thought about why I was doing some of the things I felt I MUST do. “This is me – I’m angry and I’m going to yell and stomp and I don’t care what you think.” I’d never realized that everything I was doing with myself was all out of habit, and it wasn’t a true reflection of who I wanted to be. Habits can be changed.
When I was angry, I turned into my not-so-super hero alter ego “Captain Self Destructo!! Out to destroy the world!!! Muahahaha!!” That was ME and ya can’t fix me! This was how I was supposed to be…a rude, insecure (although you would have NEVER heard me admit I was insecure), obnoxious bitch. This is who I’ve ALWAYS been and it is who I will always be.
I began to grow tired of always regretting my bitchy outbursts and my sharp tongue, but I didn’t believe I could change anything. Looking back, I had a lot of people in my life, but I didn’t feel loved. I was wrapped up in the idea that I was a bad person and I did not deserve love. So, I figured, why give love to anyone else? That attitude only served to increase how badly I thought of myself, and how poorly I treated those around me. I made it a habit to push people away so they didn’t have to deal with my craziness.
Whether we want to admit it or not, we have ALL been that toddler (or teenager… or 20 something) that had the complete meltdown in the middle of God and everyone that left our parents wondering how we’d ever make it to adulthood. While this behavior is expected of children, once we reach a certain age, we become aware of the consequences. We begin to create opinions about ourselves based on how we feel ABOUT the meltdown. Some people are lucky enough to reach that point of awareness at a young age, some of us don’t get there until our 30′s (ahem) and some may never make it there.
One day I opened my eyes and the realization hit me. This was not who I was born to be. I really could choose to be whoever I wanted, and I was making a pretty damn poor choice. Understanding that it was a choice and that I was choosing poorly sent me down a whole new path of thought.
Once I realized I could pick my reaction and that I had control, I began to do a few things that really changed the way I viewed my life and sped me toward becoming a ME that I liked. I began to break the chains of regret and make better choices for myself. If I wanted to, I could wear a cape and work to save the world instead of destroy it.
- I became more aware of my own emotions. I could see when I was on the verge of a Lindsay Hate Fest and Captain Self Destructo was taking over. I became aware that when I was down on myself, I was down on everyone around me. I make myself take a step back and take a moment to think about my thoughts and words before they turn into any kind of action. How is this going to help the situation and do I really mean what I’m thinking at the moment? I now take my time to think through what I’m going to say and make sure my words are only spoken if they can be helpful to any situation….or if they’re really funny, because I find myself HILARIOUS!! (True story)
- I quit blaming other people and things for my immense lack of happiness. Truth is, I didn’t really “blame” myself either. I just knew it was time to step up and take responsibility for my own joy. Blaming others wouldn’t let me start heading in the right direction.
- I learned to forgive. Not only others but I learned to forgive myself. Holy CRAP!!! People aren’t perfect?? This is so new and so AWESOME to find out! It is ok to make mistakes and I’m going to love me and you through every one of them. The most rewarding and humbling experience you can ever have is to forgive. It is a complete game changer. It allows me to make mistakes, genuinely say I’m sorry, and to make much needed corrections in my life.
- I realized there was a purpose for every thing that happened in my life. I am who I have become because of my strength and ability to overcome any situation. Now, when something is happening that I don’t agree with or can’t understand, I take the time to find its purpose in my life. I ask myself what is this giving me that I can grow with? I may not always like it and it can take a few days for me to be ok with it, but I always find a place of “okay.” I’ve never been a fan of saying that everything happens for a reason, but knowing that everything has its purpose is very comforting and makes the idea of going through any situation absolutely doable.
As I’ve said before, I started this whole thing because I want to help others… Truth be told, I wanted to help myself too. Once I become the best possible ME, I can turn it out to the rest of the world. The steps I’ve taken have not always been easy or right.. But hey….they have gotten me where I am today and I really like who I am now. The only way to truly fix something is to study it, expose it, know how to either use it for a benefit and be rid of it when it is no longer necessary. Cures for any disease are found the exact same way and my emotions no longer make me sick. THEY HEAL ME!
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Written by Lindsay Duff
Writer’s Official Sites : A Motivated Mama , Parents That Stay Home
Posted on May 8, 2012, in Reflections. Bookmark the permalink. 25 Comments.
I love this article!! Very well written and so true!
Thank you Kelley!
I found this article through the Positive Outlooks page on facebook, and I rarely click on articles, but I’m so glad I clicked! I could relate to so much of it. I love the part about things not happening for a reason, but that everything has a purpose. Beautifully said. You’re one highly enlightened and entertaining broad! You’ve given me much to ponder. Thanks a bunch.
Thank you Keri! Glad it could help
Thanks for sharing as I thought it was about me! Very inciteful and spoke directly to me!
So happy that you have learned at a young age that you can make choices about your reactions to situations and other people, Lindsay. I hear often “people can’t change”, but you know that they can if they just become more aware and don’t continue on auto-pilot. Thanks for sharing! Blair Blair
What an enlightening composition. If most people in this world were able to step outside of the box and view things this way so many people would be much happier! I’m passing this along to someone I love dearly in my life and is stuck in the “Captain Self-Destructo” attitude. If she gets just 10% of this she will be a much better person. Thank You!
I’m glad I have stumbled upon this article. I could relate to it so much, because I’m like this as well. Thank you very much!
This could me me. I went thru the “enlightment” as I call it a few years back and life is so much simpler now. There are still issues to deal with but patience gets me thru unscathed most of the time as well as others around me. Thank you so much for the reminder. Happy days!!
one of the better posts I have read on Facebook.. You and I think alike. My full blooded Cherokee Indian Grandmother who I lost 3 years ago at the age of 87 always has told me this. I think it sums up your point…;O) “watch your thoughts they become your words. Watch your words they become your actions. Watch your actions they become your habits. watch your habits they become your character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny”. Good wishes to you…
Great article, and really happy for you! I hope this will inspire many others to change their lives for the better!
This is unbelievable and the process I am going through right now at 35. I thank you for your blog and ALWAYS look forward to reading it and sharing with others! Thanks!
I thought you were talking about me, then I saw the age and you were lucky?
I think that all of us are growing every day and yes i felt like i was the only one.
It has taken me 55yrs to be more aware of my surroundings, and the people in my life and in me, of being or finding the real me.
Just realizing it is good. It changes me,
WISH i HAD BEEN younger when I came to all this BUT I got there and that was all that matterd.
I can’t thank you enough, for the reminder! just when I was going down that path again, of self hate and self doubt, you reminded me that you have changes, it’s others that are unwilling to change, However I do believe that things happen for a reason, because in order to see it and feel it, It has to happen first for you to recognize what is really happening, I believe Alice, your Indian grandmother said it the best me this. “watch your thoughts they become your words. Watch your words they become your actions. Watch your actions they become your habits. watch your habits they become your character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny”. I was just reminded of this also, they a light bulb went off, you have changed, but others haven’t, So be Proud of your self and Keep working who is important YOU!! It’s great to see other’s work on them self too, Great Job Lindsay’s!!
Thanks so much for this article as i can relate to it, a lot!!
it’s like an eye-opener for me..unfortunately, i’m still going through all of these..but i never lose hope that one day everything will make ”sense” in it’s proper time.. 
God bless!
Lindsay, u have no idea how reading this has helped me! I feel like you took the words right out of my head & wrote them out. Life has not been easy for me lately & looking back on myself & my actions has been hard but also a real eye opener. I have been unhappy for so long & mad at the world & everyone in it for making me that way. I am truly at a crossroads in my life right now & have been soul searching to find out which way to go. But one thing I do know for sure is that I want to change myself & become the person I want to be; a person I like & that others can like too. Thank u so much for the tips on how I can start to accomplish this monumental task! I hope your life change leads you where you want to be & I hope mine does too! I have faith that it will!
Thank you so much for this beautiful piece of writing! My favourite part is where you write about finding the purpose of a situation and figuring out how you can grow with it. Like may other posters, it definitely felt like you were writing about me. Over the past three years I have begun a very similar process of healing myself after an emotionally abusive step-father & an addict boyfriend by attending a 12 Step program for families & friends of addicted loved ones. It is a slow process, difficult to keep concentrating on all day everyday, but it takes time & I can definitely notice changes as long as I work at it. As you say, nobody’s perfect, mistakes are ok – if you learn from them. I think I am struggling with forgiveness of myself & others – trying to figure out how it’s done.
this was so me im glad im not the only one!
WOW!! So totally ME! In every sentence and thought…I am the obnoxious b!*@$ in this blog….and at 47 years of age, time to go on, though I’ve known this for sometime but when others around you that you love or committed to for life act like 2 year olds, it does not give me the right to act like one too! What I’ve come to realize just like in this article…how can I use this to make me a better person..? or does it need to go..? Thanks for sharing and letting us know we are not alone!
I can relate to this…most of the lines speaks of who I was before too.its a real life article.it is sooo true.Thanks…
This was so me at a point in my life! Well put into words! THANKS!!
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Thank you for writing this. I think I needed to read this. Thank you.
Its an awsum article reflectng d true side of adulthood…
It helpd me a lot 2 reflect back on myself & 2 find out who i really want 2 b…
Thank god i cam across such a nice article…
As a teenager i lost my track of my life nw i can really thnk wat i want 4m my life…
My msg cant end with out thankng d writer 4 sharing it so thanks a lot….
Thanks for sharing! I am not there yet and appreciate the encouragement and wise words to get me there. Your pictures are so cute/funny!