Learning to Live Through Loss
By Wendy Keller
Image by Metin Demiralay
One of the most important things we can do for ourselves when we’re going through a difficult crisis is seek out help from others who have survived “bad things” in their lives. As we mature, we start to notice that pretty much every human being eventually gets their turn at suffering.
People always try to quantify things – you’ve got more of that than I do, I’m suffering more than you are, and so on. The truth is, when it comes to matters of the heart, no one can begin to weigh another person’s pain or pleasure. For instance, we all know that if we live long enough, we will eventually bury our parents. But the nature of our relationship with the parent determines so much about how much pain we feel. And the parent’s experience of the end of their life also influences how we feel about their death. Did they suffer? Was it sudden? Was it premature and they died at the peak of their life – or ours?
Similar cases can be made for all types of loss and suffering. I recall when I gleefully got divorced, I felt like I’d been let out of jail! But people who didn’t know how grateful I was for my escape said, “Oh, I’m so sorry for you!”
We cannot know another’s true feelings about their pain and loss, but it is crucial that we come to understand our own. To help more people get in touch with, process and get through the suffering they are experiencing, I wrote a popular ebook called “How To Stop Hurting & Start Living”. It’s based on the best of what I’ve learned, having had a life full of losses, tragedies and traumas. My pain made me carefully study what it takes to survive, to recover, to even thrive again. I researched how people throughout history got through tough times. Did you know Benjamin Franklin, the wealthy American statesman, once had only enough money in his pocket for a bread roll? Do you remember how lost Helen Keller felt before Anne Sullivan came to teach her to communicate with the world again? How people in countries devastated by war, disease, famine and natural disaster come back and recover?
Sure, it takes a while. Yeah, it takes work. But I can promise you this: you have more strength than you might think to you do. You may not care right now. You may not want strength – you just want things to go back to how they were Before The Bad Thing Happened. Believe me, I get that. Broken into little bits of bone in ICU in a hospital bed, knowing both my children were in the morgue below was REALLY tough. I didn’t care if I recovered, if I lived or died. But inch by painful inch, I built a new life without them.
Image by Metin Demiralay
Five Things I Know For Sure About Recovery:
- Let yourself go through it – there is no way to skip the suffering. There ARE ways to cope with it, manage it, deal with it so it doesn’t drive every waking moment of your life, but those are skills you must learn.
- Let others help you. There are plenty of people around you at this very second who would love to give you a hand if you can be humble enough to ask for it, grateful enough when it is given, and strong enough to know that when it comes time, you will also be part of the chain that pays it forward.
- Learn how others survived their own traumas, losses and suffering. Read books and ebooks like mine. Read biographies of great people from history – every one of them faced suffering and defeat to become who they did.
- Know that you CAN get through this. Not for any airy-fairy reason, but because others have survived similar situations and made it through, and if even one other person did, you can too. I know it hurts. I know it sucks. But you have the power. Get help, get in control, take action. You can only save yourself – and that starts with the decision to survive and thrive again.
- Pay it forward. The day will come when you are surprised to discover YOU are the strong one and someone else needs a hug, a word of comfort or encouragement, a few bucks, a hot meal or a listening ear. Smile to yourself when this happens, then do the task set before you. That’s when you’ll know that you’ve made it to the other side. You’re paying back all those who helped you, as someday will the person you are helping now. On and on through millennia of human existence, this is how it goes. We all suffer, we all support, we all move forward as a group.
As I write this, it is Mother’s Day and it makes me nostalgic for the children I’ve lost. But it also forces me to take stock of how far I’ve come in life. I promise you, the day will come when you will look back on The Bad Thing That Happened and see it as a pivot point in your entire life, the chance you could grab that will take you where you will be then.
Where will that place be? What happens NEXT is up to you.
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Recommended book on coping with grief:
This book acts as a touchstone of sanity through difficult times. I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbyecovers such difficult topics as the first few weeks, suicide, death of a child, children and grief, funerals and rituals, physical effects, homicide and depression. New material covers the unique circumstances of loss, men and women’s grieving styles, religion and faith, myths and misunderstandings, I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye reflects the shifting face of grief.
These pages have offered solace to over eighty thousand people, ranging from seniors to teenagers and from the newly bereaved to those who lost a loved one years ago. Individuals engulfed by the immediate aftermath will find a special chapter covering the first few weeks.
Posted on May 14, 2012, in Reflections. Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.
I LOVE your story !!! thanks for sharing !!!
Thank you Wendy for all your words of hope. I am going through a very rough grieving process, and it gives me insight to know that I am not alone.
I have lost a Dad, 22 yrs. ago. I lost my husband 7 yrs. ago. This has been the hardest thing I have EVER gone through. Just can’t snap out of this. I started dating a man 4 yrs. ago and he’s ask me to marry him 2 different times now. I’ve give him the diamond back and told him I can’t marry him. Don’t know why this is. I keep finding excuses. Help?
Hi Sandra, just pray. God knows the best answer. His timing is always perfect, talk to Him and let Him know what you are thinking. i know its hard to deal with your loss but its time to move on and be happy… you owe it to yourself.
if that loved one you have been dating with for four years makes you happy then why not give it a shot.. pain is inevitable… but it will make you stronger. just let God do the works, He is working behind the scenes of your life.
God bless you. =)
We lost our Mother the day before Mothers Day this year! Not to mention all the other things ive been faced with lately. This was truly inspirational and so glad I came across it today! Thank you!
This was so inspirational. In the past ten years I list my aunt to suicide, my dad to cancer, my mom to emphysema, my baby brother to possible suicide, my older brother to a drugs and alcohol,.my older sister to a botched gallbladder surgery, and a brother-in-law to suicide. I suffered major depression. I have always put things in the Lords hands, ut sometimes it was just too much. But, I have come out the other side, and I came out so much stronger than before.
One step at a time, one day at a time.
the chance you could grab that will take you where you will be then…………oh my
Where do I find these people that can help?
I find very difficult to overcome situations when i am hurt by people whom i love.I become upset and idle for days.Give me an advise.
This was so beautiful…my mother recently had a kidney transplant and it got infected so they had her at the hospital..while being in the hospital lost circulation in her hand and had a finger cut off. then lost circulation on her leg and had a few operations to try and fix the problem. Just as we thought she was coming home because she was being changed to rehab for a few weeks then she could come home we get a call saying her heart stopped… when I got that news I felt as tho my heart had stopped together with hers… I will never forget her!!! Its only been 3 weeks n i feel as tho I have been away from her for years!…
Thank you for such a great article. It reminded me that I am not the only one going through moments of suffering and that I need to focus on building a life in which I can thrive after a loss.
This was so touching that I had a hard time raping my mind around all your sorrow. I have had many loses but I know it is my suffering that I must deal with if I am to get well. Thank you for the good read and good luck my friend. Nancy
My husband was murdered 26 years ago. I had my four children to keep me busy and got through that and I even grew into a much stronger woman. Then 2 years ago my son was killed on his harley when he hit a cow in the middle of a dark road. I am getting better and can smile at good memories now but still have bad days. As you know there is nothing more heart wrenching than losing a child. I just hurt for you reading your story., Did you have more children? I hope so. I don’t know what I would have done without my other three children and 5 grandchildren.
my husband died this year apr 27 vehicular crash riding a motor without helmet very sad bcoz we have 3 yrs old boy who is very close to his father… im still in pain i dont think time heals as they said its been a month but for me he was burried yesterday i so miss him God gave us happy and very challenging 5 years… i know Erwin loves us so much we miss him…
Two more helpful hints, that helped me and my daughter, following the suicide of my son were: (1) Allow yourself to be happy when happy things happen…Don’t feel guilty about a laugh. (2) Remember that loved one only died on one day….we have 35 years of happy and wonderful memories of my son. He is not defined by that one day he died …. but all the days he lived and we rejoiced in his living.
I like your thought that our loved one is not defined by that one day he died. Sometimes it is so hard to remember that, but it is true. And I keep trying to remember that I am not defined by his death either, but by our life together and what I still am, even though I am pretty lost still.
I love your story. More power to you.
Thks for sharing . Gonna be stronger now