Where’s My Happily Ever After?
By Donna Pantry
[If you want to read more of Donna’s thoughts please follower her on Facebook and Elf Lady’s Chronicles(personal blog).]
Donna, writer
Often in the middle of the night after my son has gone to bed, and I’m alone, I cannot help thinking “Where is my happily ever after? Where’s my happy ending?” The fairy tales I read as a little girl told me we all have happy endings. So where’s mine?
Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy being alone. I am quite happy to have the silence envelope me at night. I am content to go to bed alone in my king size bed. I am satisfied to go to sleep when I want, eat when I want, leave my toothbrush where I want, keep the house organized how I want. Being alone is not the problem. My sorrow comes from not being alone but from being lonely.I am grieving for a marriage that is never to be. Certainly, I am extremely grateful for my son. Having him in my life fills my heart with light and love. But at times when I’m feeling sorry for myself, I begin to feel robbed of the false fairy tale of getting married, having two kids, and living happily ever after. And as I think on it further, it’s not only the loss of the fairy tale I grieve, but the loss of my dream. I grieve for the man I thought I knew. I grieve for the man I fell in love with but never truly existed. The future I thought I would have was stolen. And I realize how lonely my life has become. I wonder, “Why me? Do I not deserve happiness? What’s wrong with me?”
Of course, my feeling of loneliness has not been helped by attempting to date again. First, going out with men after an abusive relationship and divorce is a huge leap of faith. It requires trust in myself to make good choices, and to not be attracted to the same type of man. In addition, it requires trust that not all men are controlling and self-centered. Achieving this level of trust requires courage, hope and faith.One would think by meeting new men I would feel less lonely. However, the opposite has been true. Each time I am opening myself up a little making myself vulnerable again to rejection. This constant up and down of hope and then disappointment when there is no connection is extremely exhausting.?”Dating triggers all my underlying insecurities, my old baggage from my marriage and abuse. These feelings of inadequacy, insignificance and unworthiness rise up to my heart and brain with full force. What is so wrong with me that required you to treat me with such condescension and disdain? What is so awfulabout me that required you to hit me?What is wrong with me?And the answer is “Absolutely Nothing!”
There is nothing wrong with me. I am human. I have both good qualities and bad qualities. And while I may not be a gorgeous, long legged, super model, or a Ph.D researching a cure for cancer; I have a good heart, and I care about people. I am humble enough to realize that I have much left to learn in this life. There are areas in which I need to grow and learn and heal. And I realize now many of my insecurities stem from my childhood. (Yes, I know. The classic, blame it on the parents.) I know my parents love me, but through their own issues of insecurities and life challenges, I was raised feeling unworthy, insignificant, and having to constantly prove myself to be recognized. This has led me into codependent relationships where I was again trying to prove to others that I was worthy and significant. And always failing, because I was choosing the wrong partner.
Image by Julie de Waroquier
So where is my “happily ever after?” Who knows? Maybe a happily ever after does not require finding a true love and growing old together although it would be nice. Maybe a happily ever after only requires you to love yourself. For me an absolute in a happy ending is seeing my son grow into a happy, successful young man where success is defined by him not our society. And maybe, just maybe, along the way I can learn to love and trust myself again. As Melody Beattie says in The Language of Letting Go, “You are lovable. Yes, you. Just because people haven’t been there for you, just because certain people haven’t been able to show love for you in ways that worked, just because relationships have failed or gone sour does not mean that you’re unlovable. You’ve had lessons to learn. Sometimes, those lessons have hurt. Let go of the pain. Open your heart to love. You are lovable. You are loved.”
Disregard the notion that society would have us believe that happily ever after requires you to be married to your soulmate, grow old together, and “live happily ever after”. Some are lucky to achieve this. Many of these people likely have their own challenges with health, finances, or a death of a loved one. We never know. But just because we have not and may never find our true partner does not mean we are robbed of own happily ever after. A happily ever after only requires you to live successfully as you define success and ultimately for you to love yourself. So, be open to the universe. Be open to receiving the love the universe has to offer. And be open to loving and trusting yourself again. In that opening, you will find your happily ever after.
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If you want to read more of Donna’s thoughts please follower her on Facebook and Elf Lady’s Chronicles (personal blog).
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Posted on August 4, 2012, in Reflections. Bookmark the permalink. 66 Comments.
Exactly what I have been going through and how I feel. Dating/meeting is lonely.
Donna…thank you for your words of wisdom…I needed to read this tonite…you are beautiful and amazing and someday someone will see that light in you!
Hats off to your thoughts Donna… So true, first we must be our own best friend so that we never get alone ..
I believe many women feel exactly as you do. I know I did. Melodie Beatty’s book “Co-Dependent No More” was a real life saver for me after my divorce. I am now 22 years post divorce, and still single. I finally learned to love myself and realize my life’s lessons were being taught to me by the choices I have made in my life. I now understand that true happiness comes from acceptance of where you are in life and knowing that only you can make any changes you may need to make. No one else can make you happy or feel loved, content and secure. The best relationship you can have is the one you have with yourself — accepting and loving the person you have come to be by the strength and understanding of the obstacles you have overcome. Even now, at age 63, I still sometimes think “why was I never good enough for someone to love me? Many men desired me (or rather my body), but they cared little about the women I was inside.” I finally concluded that I had come full circle! I finally loved myself enough to not accept someone into my life who had not grown in his own life but still only cared for the physical side of a relationship..
The spiritual and emotional maturity of any human is the most important lessons to master in this life.
Thank you..
Thank you for that wonderful blog. My friend Eva and i read it last night. She made me read parts of it over and over and asked me how I identified with it, how it made me feel. We went over it with a fine tooth comb and really made me think about my own problems and issues within my relationships and myself. You are an inspiration!!
Thank you I feel the same. Living happily ever after, ever after an abusive marriage and some poor dating choices. My happiness must come from me!
I just want to say thank you……
Exactly! I feel like you wrote that about me. After 17 yrs of marriage, my divorce will be filed for shortly after Christmas. The idea of loving myself seems so foreign to me…
i feel the same Pamela. Why would i want to love me if no one else seems to be able to? i don’t even look at myself in the mirror.
i only see my faults, my short comings and lack of physical beauty.
I feel like this was sent to me personally tonight. I have the same feelings. I wonder why would I be here on this earth and never have anyone love me. Well, when i think about it, i’ve never taken time out for myself. I am recently divorced with two kids. I married because I was looking for my happily ever after. God has his way of giving us the things we need to find things for ourselves. I am glad he gave me my sister. She is my soulmate and i find comfort in knowing that he gave me mine in the form of my sister. Thanks fo rthese most needed words tonight!
I found myself nodding to this entire entry. I find a little comfort in knowing I’m not alone in this battle to overcome a broken heart.
Thank you for this. 27 years of marriage now ending due to his substance abuse. Was it always like this…no. He was a substance abuser when I met him but the other qualities shown through and that is why we have been together so long. I just think that I kind of postpone the road he was headed on. His parents were married almost 60 years mine reached 61. I see this as why I have held on the last 7 years. We raised 2 smart, beautiful, strong, and big hearted daughters. He was there and provided for us, then….I don’t know what happened. I guess he thought that we were still in the 80′s when drinking was fun…I don’t know. Today is 12*22*12, He is spending the next 30 days in a county jail. Another Christmas saddened due to him. What was my part in this….codependency…enabler??? I know I have loved him but there came a time I did not like him. I lost myself in being a mother and a wife, daughter, and an employee, maybe I didn’t give enough maybe I gave too much, who knows. I have divorce papers and he has signed them….now it is time to take care of me…find who I would’ve been had I taken the time back when maybe I wouldn’t be where I am…you cannot make someone care. I’ve learned a few things through this and my journey continues. Thank you for the article, because I think we are our own princes…our own knights in shining armour and if you are lucky enough to find someone who knows this…then my friend you are one of the lucky ones.
Thank you for this! I felt so alone prior to reading this!