I’m f_cking losing it! I am tired and all I want to do is rest. My emotions are high, my tension and stress is multiplying. I feel like The Incredible Hulk. My muscles ready to bulge and tear away my clothing. I just want a break a little time to myself–to concentrate on me. I need a break to escape my reality. I need to escape the dogs, the kids, the house, my MISERY and the real world for a while. I dream of a place that is in harmony with me. Where my ears don’t ring and my head doesn’t feel like it wants to explode. I want to breathe in fresh air and not the sadness of my tired soul that surrounds me now. I have to relax and think that it will get better. Think positive.The glass is half-full.
Fuck that. I am pissed off! I want a damn break. I deserve that, just a little. Zoning out doesn’t help anymore. I have too much on my plate now that I am back at work. I don’t need what’s on that damn plate. Put it in a damn bowl of noodles and give me chop sticks so I can feed myself little by little. Let peace find me or let me find peace, so I may be able to sleep at night. Eat right. And take care of myself. I want to be in synch with a world that I perceive is normal because I am no in a normal place. Give me the misery of other people’s lives, so that I may discover again, that my world isn’t that bad. Let me look at the good I have around me and believe that my world will resurrect from the ashes and find the path to getting back on track. Let help reach out from beyond a place that I do not know, without a question, and relieve me from my pain. Let me strive to be better; to move forward and get back in a race that took me out months ago. I have to help myself to move forward but I am damn tired and don’t want to lift a fucking finger. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe in. And push out. Breathe in. And push out.
Change the quality of the air as it filters out of you. Keep focused and make it better. “You can do this Chris. You believe in yourself. You have been here before. (But I didn’t expect to be here at the same situation again.) Understand that you cannot control the things that life blind sides you with. Realize the joy that sits beyond your door from where I am sitting, through the sounds of cartoons, and the giggles of happiness are waiting for me. Just control your emotions and pull yourself together. Piece by piece, Humpty Dumpty can be put back together again. It will just take time. “Breath and believe that it will be put back together.”
Life has a way of working itself out. I don’t want to be a hero here. I just want to build a place that is positive for my boys, in a world that will help them, more than it has helped me. This is my goal: To change my world in order to make their world a better place. I will have to seize the moments of clarity and heal myself before permanent damage consumes my life. I need more help from my thoughts and temper my emotions with reason. Not in a bad way mind you, I just need to think clearly and allow the dopamine provide me with energy, so I can make myself be more productive.