Breathe In, Breathe Out

(Chris is a young police officer who started blogging–The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto–as a way to cope with the death of their twin daughters six years ago and the unexpected and very painful loss of his wife just this March of 2012 .  He is left alone to raise two beautiful sons.) Join his Facebook page here.

I’m f_cking  losing it! I am tired and all I want to do is rest. My emotions are high, my tension and stress is multiplying. I feel like The Incredible Hulk. My muscles ready to bulge and tear away my clothing. I just want a break a little time to myself–to concentrate on me. I need a break to escape my reality. I need to escape the dogs, the kids, the house, my MISERY and the real world for a while. I dream of a place that is in harmony with me. Where my ears don’t ring and my head doesn’t feel like it wants to explode. I want to breathe in fresh air and not the sadness  of my tired soul that surrounds me now. I have to relax and think that it will get better. Think positive.The glass is half-full.

Fuck that. I am pissed off! I want a damn break. I deserve that, just a little. Zoning out doesn’t help anymore. I have too much on my plate now that I am back at work. I don’t need what’s on that damn plate.  Put it in a damn bowl of noodles and give me chop sticks so I can feed myself little by little. Let peace find me or let me find peace, so I may be able to sleep at night. Eat right. And take care of myself. I want to be in synch with a world that I perceive is normal because I am no in a normal place. Give me the misery of other people’s lives, so that I may discover again, that my world isn’t that bad.  Let me look at the good I have around me and believe that my world will resurrect from the ashes and find the path to getting back on track. Let help reach out from beyond a place that I do not know, without a question, and relieve me from my pain. Let me strive to be better;  to move forward and get back in a race that took me out months ago.  I have to help myself to move forward but I am damn tired and don’t want to lift a fucking finger. Breathe.     Breathe.     Breathe.    Breathe in. And push out. Breathe in. And push out.

Change the quality of the air as it filters out of you. Keep focused and make it better. “You can do this Chris. You believe in yourself. You have been here before. (But I didn’t expect to be here at the same situation again.) Understand that you cannot control the things that life blind sides you with. Realize the joy that sits beyond your door from where I am sitting, through the sounds of cartoons, and the giggles of happiness are waiting for me.  Just control your emotions and pull yourself together. Piece by piece, Humpty Dumpty can be put back together again. It will just take time. “Breath and believe that it will be put back together.”

Life has a way of working itself out. I don’t want to be a hero here. I just want to build a place that is positive for my boys, in a world that will help them, more than it has helped me. This is my goal: To change my world in order to make their world a better place. I will have to seize the moments of clarity and heal myself before permanent damage  consumes my life. I need more help from my thoughts and temper my emotions with reason. Not in a bad way mind you, I just need to think clearly and allow the dopamine provide me with energy, so I can make myself be more productive.

Breathe and believe that my world will get better and my life will gain traction during this marathon that I thought I didn’t have to run again. “Believe in yourself, believe in others, find God and take control. Life has a role for me it’s time to breathe and play my part.” Just keep telling yourself that, keep breathing, in and out.
———————
Nota Bene : You can support Chris by subscribing to his blog : The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto
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47 Replies to “Breathe In, Breathe Out”

  1. You are made of something tougher than anyone I know. You may not realize it but you are one of the great people put here for the rest of us to learn from. It’s not because you have so much pain stabbing into your heart, but the way you admit the path is in front of you but hard to follow and yet still remain on it regardless. I don’t know if it’s right of me to say it’s ok to be angry. In fact when you die the first thing you should do is smack god in the head before you pass into heaven. I’m sure he would understand and maybe needs a wake up call. I don’t know how the loss would feel, my son had a stroke but he is still with us. He is paralyzed on his left side but he moves well enough to make his HS soccer team. Find your silver lining. I’m wishing the best for you and hope you can find the light to fill your soul again.

  2. I feel your pain and frustration and yes just BREATHE and then pick yourself up and do something to end the agony and suffering of the voiceless and innocents who continue to die at the hands of humanity . the world is a dark and brutal place for the voiceless who cannot defend themselves . i found that to keep my self from ripping my hair out of my head screaming at the injustice i take action and every day i do SOMETHINg no matter how little to help the tortured souls dying in shelters and to bring awareness to others who vote so this world can know how wrong it is to be merely Human kind , we must become HUMAN KINDNESS or the cold cruel Dark ugly world WINs and NO one but those who know what it means to suffer can possibly understand what that means and to heal your pain you must be able to end the suffering of others regardless of species . and by doing it any way you can only then will your pain be minimized. trust me Ive been there and it helped me , maybe it will help you too. my heart goes out to you and I pray that you are soon able to find the peace you seek . I found mine , you can find yours too!

  3. Thi Is very encouraging am so pleased with your advice may God bless u and give u both strength . To think I have problems after reading I know my problems are nothing comparing what u both going through. Am really touched. God has a way to work things out…

  4. Chris,

    You are in my prayers. I also lost two children after full term birth and had 13 miscarriages with 4 of them being twins. I was in a abusive marriage to a man who would use me as his personal punching bag and every time I would leave he would find me and beat me worse. I finally got away but it almost cost me my life the last beating I took was with a medal pipe full of cement. The end result was I am now in a wheelchair but so greatful to be alive and able to raise my 2 children that lived. There were days I just wanted to take a break not only dealing with my two babies alone but also the medical problems and surgeries I had to deal with because of his beating. What kept me going was my two beautiful babies just knowing that I had them made it worth it. I wanted to give them a better life and to do that I had to stay strong deal with the pain and deal with the loss of my old life and accept the fact that my life will never be the same. I deal with pain on a daily basis due to the beatings and my life has changed so much. I still have hard days but just to know that I am doing this for my kids and myself make it all okay. You are in my prayers. Remember you are a great dad and your boys need you. My saying that keeps me going is “This to shall pass” I have to stand on this.

    I am praying for all of you.

    Mary

  5. As I read your story I had to keep reminding myself it was not my story, my feelings, emotions, but yours. My point is that even tho I did not experience the depth you have been dealt, those darn feelings and emotions are all the same, just feelings and emotions. Perhaps this won’t be of much use, but it works for me on occasion. I tell myself that “today I make purposeful choices so that my work create a habit of positive surroundings; a hopeful that one day becomes a habitual choice I must make to survive and be who I was created to be; no more leadings by thoughtless irrational thoughts and emotions as they are not always positive and will prevent me from making those purposeful choices of work”. It’s hard to seperate them from what is but if you put them
    On the back burner one day at a time, one choice at a time, soon they will transform into the work of good. My goal in life is same as yours. We can achieve it:)

  6. If it’s any help… I lost my father who was very dear to me, in February this year. I feel like you do. Thanks for your blog, it made me realize I’m not the only one who has a hard time, trying to understand and accept what has happened.
    I’m sending you strength and love.

  7. Chris, blog away good man. You are greatly loved and a source for all that is strong and good. Teach your boys. Honour your wife and twins. Feel all your sadness, anger, despair. Let it roll over you. You are safe and surrounded by love. Keep breathing, smile when all is black, look inside, the light is there, even when you can’t see it. Wait. You will see it again and find comfort. I send you love and strength and joy. P.

  8. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I am glad you are using the blog as an outlet. You do need time for you though. It’s not being selfish – it’s keeping sane when your world has gone horribly and completely crazy.
    I don’t know if you are Christian or what your beliefs are, but regardless, I will tell you that God can, and will, get you through this. Hang on to Him.
    How do you feel about working out?? Running, walking, whatever.
    You will get through this. The pain might always be there, but you will get through this.
    Hang in there.
    I am praying for you.

  9. May you find the strength to carry on through your son’s. I’m sorry for your loss. At times it will feel unbearable, just think of your two boys. Who also just lost a love one and may need some encouragement themselves. Just take one day at a time and you will find your peace within.

  10. May the Lord bless you and your babies and give you the strength, patience and acceptance of your loss….I know your going diffucult moments but your boys should be your rock to keep going….don’t let your pain bring you down, your boys need you….

  11. Just always put on your mind your not the only only one… I understand even me i lost my husband last year he died before our wedding… Just be strong for the kids…

  12. Hi Chris,
    I read through everyone’s stories and there is so much pain and sorrow out there. SO many strong people surviving …that should get awards for it. I do understand that in your situation you would need understanding, perspective and even appreciation for the role you play. Yet it’s nice for a while but then Chris needs to ask Chris what does Chris want or even truly need even you think the things you want is impossible or not something you can picture of figure out straight away at least make the list. Restoration is not overnight but it is a decision. Take your list one thing at a time, one day at a time. Creatively look for ways to get to them. Ask for input and ideas on each of those things. I know it sounds corny, but it works. Its often so easy to mess up when you are in a vulnerable season. As we know relationships are the door to your destruction or your destiny. So tonight I pray for you for wisdom, for strength for strong relationships around you and the children, provision, but most of all that you would somehow make time for you and what you need from today and tomorrow and for just being silly. Don’t just mechanically run through life and the busy of every day’s pressures.

    Laine

  13. I would just like to thank each and everyone of you from the bottom of my heart. I have read everyones story with the utmost respect to the feelings you have expressed and it touched me to my core. Thank you all so much for reading and sharing my story.

    Christopher and the boys

  14. Listen for the whisper when you feel there’s no one there. listen for the whisper when you are in deep despair. Listen for the whisper through the joy and pain. In that lovely sweet refrain. Listen for the whisper In everything you do His whisper comes through you. Try and be positive an just one day at a time

  15. This story is amazing. The stuff this guy has been through and still taking care of his kids. If I ever catch myself complaining about anything, I will remember this story and this hero dad.

  16. Hello. I’m worried of leaving you a response because I know none of what I may say may matter, maybe it might just be exhausting for you to read it or something. I’m amazed at your honesty of writing. I’m so impressed of your bravery to be vulnerable. I wish I could have been that way. I have no advice for you, but wish I could just hug you and tell you I understand. My story is way different, but my feelings are way too simular its scary. I also am raising two boys on my own who are 5 and 4, one if which has a disability.

  17. I admire you…:) you have risen to the journey, I am sure your boys love you very much….strong focused and determined, what great qualities…..Wishing you all the wonderful things life has to offer,

  18. Sometimes people take my blind faith offensively but I truly believe that you are walking God’s path. You quoted, “find God and take control.” There in itself lies the greatest contradiction that is causing you to suffer the most. You cannot take control when you find God. He is carrying you. He is driving. You are the passenger on a journey, led by a guide that knows what is best for you. When you fully let go of all the terrible things that have happened in your life and know, not just believe, that Jesus is holding their tiny hands and your wife’s soft hand and they are walking beside you and your sons always, you will find comfort. Your twins and your wife are forever happy, free and loving. Jesus always said that he loved the children because of their faith. There is a reason. If rationalizing it is what helps people figure out why these horrible things happen then think of all the people who you are reaching through your blog alone. I can by no means tell you that I have experienced nearly anything that you have (if I lost my children I would probably not be so possitive, but then again, you never know) but I have lost people that I love. Only recently since my faith has had a strange strengthening can I say that I am comforted by their deaths, that they are the ones who are perpetually innocent now and in the arms of the greatest love that anyone will ever now. We are the ones who suffer because we keep memories, smells, places, sounds, and dreams. But we are the channel to their lives, letting them live on through our stories, to share love and most of all to brand on other’s brains and hearts that everything can change in one millisecond and to cherish. Cherish life. Cherish love. Cherish the good and the bad. Cherish the promise of eternity. Cherish the knowledge that Jesus knows what he is doing. Trust him and let go. Please know that I can never for a second imagine your pain but hopefully the comfort of God will lead you through the rest of your life and let you see the purpose of losing so much that you love. Everyone says “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” And in your language, “Fuck that!” What happens to you tells a story to change the world to spread the word of God. You are a vessel. He chose you. You have a purpose. Don’t look, it will find you. Chill. Peace. Ride on his coat tails. And breathe. Peace!

  19. I’m so sorry for your loss and pain Chris. I am holding you and your sons in prayer. Your boys are so blessed to have you as their dad. Hang in there and please reach out to your family and/or community for support. You need some time for yourself so you can grieve and rest. God bless you and your sons.

    I just read Dr. Dan Gottlieb’s book, “Learning From the Heart.” He tells his story about becoming a quadrapeligic, his wife dying leaving him to raise his two young daughters alone, his only sibling dying, and losing both his parents. His only grandchild was diagnosed with autism. He chronicles his life’s challenges and losses in his book. I took a lot of comfort reading about his life. He talks about his pain and how he manages day by day. Like you, some days all he can do is breathe. He blogs on the Christopher Reeve’s Foundation website.

    I pray you find rest and comfort Chris during this very difficult time. Hugs.

  20. I am so sorry for the loss of your wife and daughters. I admire your courage and strength to keep moving forward. Although your pain will never go away, I pray that things get easier for you over time. God bless you and remember to breathe. I would say ask a family member or a trusted friend to watch your boys for a short time so you may have a moment to yourself.

  21. I am truly sorry for your loss and its a day by day healing process. Sometimes it takes time a lot of time to heal the wounds. But remember she is in heaven smiling down on you and your kids. She is your guardian angel and she will want you to be happy again and to be once again have happiness in ur life. Sometimes church groups,counseling or family always help with healing process.

  22. Chris, Everyone grieves differently; and it comes in waves for a very long time. Give yourself permission to be patient with yourself. When my husband dies, leaving me in a very difficult position, I saw no light. Just fear. After a while I started to write out my heart.It’s online as widowsjournal.com. Perhaps something I wrote will resonate for you.Blessings.

  23. I know that feeling of needing a break. Just seems that everything keeps piling on and on and on….9 years ago today I lost the love of my life, my soul mate and I am still here kicking and fighting to keep moving and keep finding a positive place in this world for me and my kids. You can do this. No every day is not going to be a piece of cake…ok so not any day is. But some days are better than others so revel in them. It makes the not so good days not seem quite as bad. Hold onto all of the positive things in your life and remember your wife wants you to go on and live happy and do the best you can. God Bless you in this journey.

  24. You will get thru this….I have been there and you have probably been told, “it will get better”….well it will, but it takes time….it has been 3 years since my husband died and I still get overwhelmed at times with everything that is thrown at me…I have had to learn to do things myself and God has shown me that I am a strong woman and yes I can stand tall and show others just how great and loving a Father He is….HE will see you thru this too…time…it just takes time…and I know you want peace now….it will come…trust God….I pray He gives you and your sons peace and comfort and that you will know joy and happiness again…………TIME………..God Bless you!!!!

  25. My thoughts and prayers are with you Chris. I know it’s tough being a single, working parent. My sons are now in their 20’s. Everyone says it’s easier when they are all grown up. I guess it is in some ways, but, alot more to worry about…lol. Keep your head up and try to keep the faith.

  26. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a close friend of 23 years back in february. It has been very hard for me with her sudden death. I cannot imagine what you are going through. It is nice to know that you are not alone even though my loss is not as large as yours it still hurts very bad. I admire you for your strength in helping others with your loss through blogging. I’m sure it helps you more than you know. Hang in there and just feel what you need to feel to get through it. Peace be with you!

  27. Chris

    Thank you for sharing. I am dealing with the loss of my brother and my dad one month apart. It is hard for anyone to understand unless you are there. I am trying to find peace in it all and reading from your heart really helps. Be strong for your boys. And you are right. Their mom is around. All you have to do is look around and I swear sometimes you can feel them. Godspeed to you and thank you again.

  28. We are supposed to have the strength to deal with the things that are put before us. But everyone does need a break. I know what its like to deal with the struggles of life as a single parent, but nothing like you have. I lost my stepson a month before my son was born. My condolences and prayers go out to you and your boys! May we all be able to give our children a better world. You have the will to do this.

  29. You made me realize just how lucky I am! Your blog made me cry. I cant imagine what you are going through. Im glad I can read your blogs it gives me inspiration to keep going everyday. Thank you and god bless you and your boys!

  30. Chris, be grateful for the job and the home. I know it’s hard because I can’t imagine losing my babies but I don’t have those things. I have bad credit, no car and a baby girl. I am stuck, I cant even go to work because I don’t have family or friends to help me take my daughter to day care so I can work. I literally have no family help. Recently I had to give my daughter up for two months to at least try and get back up on my feet again, hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have helped people all my life with anything they needed and now I have none for myself. I have lived with two men so far, paying for a room. these men became interested in me and I have dealt with abusive situations because I am not interested in them. My daughter had to watch me get screamed at and watched as he threw her toys around the house. She was shaking and crying. This was so heartbreaking to me. I have no money, I sat in a room for most of the day everyday entertaining my daughter because I do not want to deal with my roommate’s behavior. I have been alone since I became pregnant always starring at 4 walls. I stayed strong for her and she made me happy in times anyone would have lost it. I will use your story to keep me going, thank you for giving me something to be thankful for. I hope I gave you something as well. Much love and prayers for a guiding light for you.

  31. I recognise much of this. My hubs died leaving me with 2 young autistic boys, my reason for ‘living’ again and my reason for being exhausted constantly. I cherish every moment with them. Life now is about appreciating ‘the moment’. You will get there. xxx

  32. You are a very strong man, and I don’t know how you do it. Luckily, my twins and other two boys and husband are still with me. I lost my mother almost 6 yrs ago and I sometimes still don’t know how to handle it. Keep your head up, we will be praying for you.

  33. Im going to pray for you darlin…i recently found out I might not be able to have children…which is worse….to ave never seen their precious faces or have them temp and have them taken away….who the hell knows and i believe their is no answer….i just discovered your blog and will follow you (it). you seem like an amazing person….keep your head up and walk forward even if you have to close your eyes 😉 Chanel

  34. I know how painful you feel b cos i also feel it when my daughter died and my mother also last year september 14,its very hard for me to accept it because she is the one helping me all the time in my life when i separated for my husband she is there for me but you know we have to move on to begin a new life in our lives i have 3 kids also all girls they are my strength and also i call on to Jesus to give me a peace of mind and guide me everyday. You are very lucky to have a sons. single parent not easy i know because that is my situation right now.Just hold to our God and i know He will give you strength everyday.God bless you!

  35. I feel your pain. My daughter just died unexpectedly. she was 49. She left behind a 4yr old son and her disabled husband. They have very little money coming in and don’t qualify for any assistance. Top it off the little boy is adopted. Well almost the adoption is not final yet. My son in law is devastated. He can’t function day to day. I live 2 hours away in the summer and in the winter the other end of the US. Losing a child no matter what age is the saddest pain anyone can feel. Top it off losing your spouse. My heart goes out to you and my son in law. Look around you. There are people out there in your network that are willing to give you a freedom day. Bottom line, you are in the same boat I am. You have to get up in the morning and you have to do the things your wife would want you to do. Because, you have young inocent lives that are depending on you. They are hurting too but they don’t understand and seem to be more resilent. I call on G
    OD every morning while I walk 2 miles. It is the only thing that keeps me
    grounded and trying to help .

  36. My heart love and prayers to you and your sons!! So sorry for your losses and pain. I also have had a very hard time the last 3 years and still no light at the end of that path. All my dreams and plans have been destroyed by people I trusted the most!! Everything gone!! My life, career, dreams, grandkids …hell!! My soul!! Can’t find a reason to continue!!! I keep praying!! If you live in the Wa. area.. contact me and I will be there to help you and your boys!! Giving you space and me a reason to go on. We can help each other!!!

  37. I’m so sorry for your loss. You are still grieving your loss so it’s very important that you get time to yourself. I say hire someone or a ask a family member to take care of the kids for a day or maybe even a few days. This is not being selfish, you are going through a bunch of issues, feelings, may even have depression, If you do this…your body, mind and spirit will thank you. Plus you will have to energy to care for your kids, counseling is always a good thing as well, you dont want to hold feelings in, there is nothing wrong with expressing yourself, it doesnt make one weak, it makes you stronger. I’ll pray for you and your ohana. God bless!

  38. You can do this. I have been in a similar situation, coping with the unexpected death of my little son, and then my subsequent divorce. There were times when I was so low. Just look for the little things that pull you through and hold onto them…sometimes it nothing more than being grateful for something that went RIGHT today! Some days the only thing I had was my daughter’s smiling face when I walked in to pick her up at daycare. That was my salvation! YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH! God bless.

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